I recently realized the trendy thing to do is to start a blog, so I did. loveandtexting.blogspot.com 
I've only made one post so far, but I'd like to be posting in there at least once a week, so you better start following it. You can comment and such using your lj account.

In other news, I've been working as a sort of assistant to the Director of Change Management (Michael's mom!) at the Nestle USA headquarters in Glendale all summer. Usually 3 days a week. I also finally left Hollister because my sister was hired as a Manager in Training. I officially become an Abercrombie (technically already was) employee tomorrow, for my first shift at A&F. Once school starts I believe I'll be staying on at both Nestle and Abercrombie. So my life will look like:

Monday: Glendale 9am-2pm then Moorpark (Cardio Kickboxing) 4pm-5:30pm
Tuesday: CSUN 9:30am-4:45pm
Wednesday: Glendale 9am-2pm then Moorpark (Cardio Kickboxing) 4pm-5:30pm
Thursday: CSUN 9:30am-4:45pm
Friday: Nestle or A&F
Saturday/Sunday, I'd like to keep free so I can sleep in, do homework and my online Philosophy class.

I'm not really sure doing all this will work out, but I guess I'll have to wait and see. I want to get through school and continue getting good work experience, even if it really isn't my field of study. $12/hour makes it not so bad. If it all becomes to much I will just quit A&F.

I can't believe summer is almost over. Well here's to looking forward fall birthdays (mine!), pumpkin chai tea lattes, pumpkin icecream, and cute sweaters.
PS. I tried to detect my location and it said I was in Missouri. That's obviously where my heart must be.

I've always been more of a glass half full, optimistic sort of person. In a world where you have to fear Sarah Palin and swine flu among other catastrophes, it helps to look on the bright side of things. Recently I think my glass has been looking a little empty and my grass a duller shade of green. I do not want to be one of those people who needs someone in their life to make them complete and happy, but right now I feel that a big chunk of who I am was taken hostage. I am not really sure if I can recover the missing part of me or if I will be forced to rebuild from scratch. I've been left with his negative outlook on life while he ran off with my self esteem and confidence. I know that I am going to be alright but I really wish my self esteem wasn't so low. I wish I had never had to meet the woman who is more "intriguing" or whateverthefuck she is than me. Comparing yourself to your ex's new girlfriend who happens to be ten years old than you, beautiful, big fake boobs, a really nice body which you were forced into seeing naked when you awkwardly met her when she was drunk, and happens to be very nice, is probably the worst thing you can do. I try not to think about her at all or to think negative things, like how she is a mother of an 8 year old but...that impresses me or that she's 29 at junior college...but she's trying, she is already divorced..but I feel sorry for that. I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself.
I want to learn how to accept the things that I can not control. I can not make someone love me if they don't want to. I have been feeling so pathetic for becoming this sad girl who let's herself be used because she's delusional.

I know that it just takes time for all wounds to heal but all I want back is my optimism and self confidence, please.

I am afraid that I have been chipping away parts of my personality, piece by piece, since this year has begun. I have uncovered this new part of myself that I do not identify with. I've been pretending that when I do things that I know are wrong that it really isn't me doing them. It is this new girl who lives life in the moment, but in a dangerous way. So who am I? How can I retrieve who I used to be? I'd like to go back if that is possible, or at least become someone I can be proud of again.
In this very moment I am a nineteen year old girl home on a Saturday night. I have a loving family and too many friends to count, but I also have some of the best friends who have never let me go through anything alone. In this moment I am so worn out from two nights spent trying to be someone else and a day trying to explain to a wonderful boy why I can't be his. I am a girl who has one boy who is convinced he is in love with her and another boy who promises me everything but continually leaves me empty handed. So now what? Ryan wants me to tell him that I will be his one hundred percent, but those 120 miles on the 5 to get to him are just more than I can handle. I can't handle him already telling me that he is in love with me and as amazing as he is, I can't see myself loving him. Then there is Chris, someone who I should hate due to the fact that he cheated on me for months and is always telling me how in 2 years he'll be ready to be with me. I can't wait for 2 years. I can't watch him in the arms of another girl. Everyone keeps insisting that I either need to choose between the two and cut one out of my life entirely or insisting that what really needs to happen is that neither are in my life. Today I tried to tell Ryan that I am not deserving of his affection and time as he pleaded with me to keep him in my life and stop seeing Chris. I am hoping he will abide by my wish for some time and space without communication. With Chris I don't want to let go. Maybe it's because he is my first love or maybe it is because he is my best friend. The other possibility is that I am emotionally and mentally unstable. Perhaps I need to seek professional help to keep from throwing my life away entirely at nineteen over a relationship.

I'm not sure what I am going to do. I need some direction. This whole entry may be incoherent or make me sound/prove that I am a pathetic, confused person. It could be due to the fact that I am running completely on empty and I am so tired and sick that I feel dizzy. I don't know anything right now. But honestly, don't ask me about any of this. Don't question me. You can't save me. Your advice and experience isn't going to change my course of action. I might be making catastrophic mistakes right now but they are my mistakes to make. I am hoping that this will be my rock bottom, so that the only place I can go is up.

Last night I leaned over the clean white counters of my bathroom, dry heaving and staring at glassy eyes that refused to cry. At that moment I was mostly regretting eating pizza three times over two days, drinking two cokes after having cut soda out almost completely since August, and finishing it all off by downing a red bull only to come home to my bed. I wanted to cry and get it over it. I wanted to cry and work through all the mess of emotions and hormones that had recently taken control. I didn't. I began to write in my paper journal but found myself rereading the pathetic entries that I very desperately want to take a match to as soon as possible. I talked to Ryan a little before falling asleep. I forced myself to stay in bed for as long as I could handle this morning and was grateful as my sister convinced my father not to try to get me to church. Instead of sitting in church with my family, I read the beginning of New Moon and cried once again when Edward left Bella all alone in those woods. Then I watched hours of season two of Grey's Anatomy and cried over contrived story lines that I already knew the ending to. I succeeded in getting myself to cry while my father and sister made jokes about how pathetic I was but "you know, in a good way". I don't really feel much better and I'm not sure how to feel better. It seems that wallowing and wasting my free time away in front of the television isn't really working.

I suppose I'm just feeling some emotions more than I thought I would. I suppose I'm not as strong as I was trying to convince myself that I was. But I'm nearly done feeling sorry for myself when I really shouldn't be. This just wasn't how I had planned my day to go. Next weekend I'll be in Las Vegas with my best friend and then March thirteenth through sixteenth, I'll be on a cruise to Mexico. So that's that. Somehow I'll stop feeling conflicted.

As I kissed Ryan on my bed yesterday afternoon; the same bed where Chris kissed me on the side of my mouth for the "first" time, the same bed where the Super Bowl Sunday before Josh broke up with me as I cried and kissed my forehead for the final time; I knew I was at that crossroads again. There I was willingly handing over my heart to a new boy. My family and friends stand skeptical and wary, saying things like "...it's too soon after Chris." Telling me that Ryan lives too far away and it isn't worth it. Reminding me to take it "slow". Even going as far as pointing out that this situation I am in is awfully similar to last year when a drunk boy told me he loved on a plaid couch or to the year before when after 5 days of knowing eachother, another boy told me that he was falling in love with me. As I stand here at this crossroads, I have a different opinion than that of my loved ones. How soon is too soon? As happy as Chris made me over the past year, I have realized that it just was not meant to be. Maybe we were too young or maybe we would have been better off friends. At 19 I am willing to accept the possibility that maybe the two boys in my life who told me that they loved me, really didn't. Maybe the kind of "love" and feelings I was experiencing was not that grandiose love that I believe everyone is searching for.
As it stands today that distance of 119 miles between Ryan and I means nothing. I am not standing here today thinking that this time is really "it" or anything of that sort. Right now I am here willing to take the chance to just have fun and see where this journey leads me. I have only known Ryan since I met him at the end of December on the top deck of the cruise ship but as I see it he is biggest gentleman that I have ever met, talking to him comes as easily as talking to my best and I haven't really been able to stop smiling. While everyone is entitled to have an opinion on the situation, I'm not sure I really care. As long as I'm happy and smiling, I'm just going to keep taking chances.
love.

The trick was to take what each could give you and build a world from it.


"The sun rose for all of us today but for me it meant more than most sunrises of my near 24  20 years. It meant that this year had past and a new one had begun. It meant that the wires were undone and the scars were just scars and yes; that it's time to move on. In this year I have seen dark places and I have seen some places flooded with light that I never knew existed. I have walked to the door of death and never felt more alive and I have learned something that is inherent whether we chose to live knowing it or not. That we are just pieces of this crazy universe, floating through space like every other piece of this crazy universe. You don't have to push or pull or fight or win, the struggle is illusory. Sometimes or rather, all times, you just have to be. I am doing my best to be and today it occurs to me that in being I have been very lucky." Thank you Andrew McMahon.

After I find out that everything I have feared has come true, you might think I'd feel rather broken. Instead, I have felt unbelievably relieved, and maybe it's because I don't have anything left to fear or maybe it's because I don't have to worry anymore. While this whole situation feels like deja vu of last year, there is so much that is different. I don't feel alone. I don't feel scared to be alone. I don't feel like I have to start over again. I just plan on changing a few things.

1. Stop being afraid.
2. Take a break from working at Athena & Co. to have Friday and Saturday nights back.
3. Find a new job.
4. Keep GPA above a 3.0
5. Take more chances.

And I promise to never be someones number two ever again.
love.

february 24, 2008-january 6, 2009

all i want to know is at one point did i stop being enough?
here's to 2009

"It's never something huge that changes everything, but instead the tiniest of details, irrevocably tweaking the balance of the universe while you're busy focusing on the big picture."

2009

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

A few nights ago as I dropped Chris off at his house, we sat talking in my car. He mentioned something about going to school in the fall and all of the sudden I was overcome with emotion. I layed my head in the crook of his arm and he immediately knew something was wrong. He kept asking, getting more concerned with each "fine" that I mumbled and each tiny shake he felt as I tried to will myself to pull it together. I sat up and looked at him as silent tears streaked down my face. I was so embarassed as I explained to my love that I had inexplicably started crying at the thought of him leaving. He reassured me that he loves me, etcetera but I was more concerned with my uncontrolled emotional response just to the idea of him leaving. I don't know whether to block the idea out of my head until it becomes a reality or to mentally get myself ready for what is very likely to happen. What is ready? According to the book Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, "There is no such thing as ready, there is only willing." Am I willing to let him leave me? A year ago today I made the decision to kiss Chris and hurt Josh more than I probably like to think about and it has shaped my life. Before Chris I had resigned myself to remaining at a place where I believed the limits of love and happiness lied. Now here I am happier than before with hope for even greater love and happiness in the future, contemplating what I'll do without him even temporarily. I suppose there is nothing I can do now except wait and hope with all my heart, that I am right about the certainity I feel with Chris even through the horrible month broken up. Maybe I feel too strongly about everything, maybe my emotions are too much to force another person to deal with. Or maybe things are going to work out just the way I envision them. I'll keep you posted.

Tonight as I drove Chris home, he looked at me and said, "You really love me...". He had this look in his eyes as if he was realizing this for the first time. As if he finally realized that what I had been saying all these months actually carried weight with it. It really caught me off guard, I just looked at him curiously and replied with a "yes" and a kiss. Before he got out of the car he lingered longer than usual just kissing me and then pulling back to look at me. I am hoping this means something good, but for now all I can do is wait and wonder.

Honest to blog, I really HATE having head aches every single day. It feels like my head is going to explode. It feels like there is pressure on my brain. I don't even bother to take any medication at all anymore because it doesn't help. The only medication that helps is the heavier pain medications prescribed to me, but I save those for the really, really bad head aches/migraines. Anyways, if I take those I am unable to function in normal society/operate heavy machinery/go on with my life. Even the prescription pain killers wear off about four hours or so and I am back to the pressure! :[ I don't know what is causing them. It could be the fact that I clench my teeth. I have a night guard, but I find myself doing it in the day. It could be that my eye site is getting worse. It could be my birth control, Yasmin. The nurse practioner at my doctor's office told me that I have high blood pressure, but I don't really like that woman and my blood pressure wasn't even high on the day she took it so what the hell. I think I am doomed to suffer through these forever, because they aren't bad enough to completely interfer with my life so no one takes me seriously. My doctor just prescribes me to some pain pills. Awesome. If I didn't have to get up at 6, I might consider taking a muscle relaxer right now.

I have turned into one of those crazy hypochondriacs.

I was so wrong about everything. I've never felt worse than this.

Yesterday I was on my way out of the house, rushing around when my mom stopped me as she so often does, asking a million questions at once. As usual I try and try to brush her off, but finally give in to giving her a hug and sitting down at the kitchen table with her. She told me how my grandma has more blockage in her blood vessels and how they might have to put something called a stint in her heart. I guess the number one thing my grandma never wants to happen to her is a stroke and the procedure to put the stint in has a big risk of a stroke. My mom's oldest sister Judy, my favorite aunt on my mom's side, has been put in charge of my grandma's medical decisions. My grandma has decided that if anything happens she doesn't want any extra effort taken to keep her alive. Judy asked my mom if she would fight her on it. My mom sat there at the kitchen table with tears sliding down her cheeks. It made me feel so young and old at the same time. I felt so immature and rude for always brushing past my mom and avoiding conversation with her, assuming she wants to know everything about my life when she really just needed someone to talk to. I felt like I had to be the strong one and tell my mom that everything is going to be okay, how she shouldn't worry about things until they happen, how my grandma has had a long life. I don't even know how I would feel about losing my last living grand parent. My grandma Anne is why my name is Sarah Anne. I feel like I don't even know her as well as I should. When I think of my grandma I think of her toy poodles and how hot her house in Lake Havasu always gets. When we went to Havasu for Christmas and I had mono, my parents quarantined me to my room and my grandma went out to get me Taco Bell. Ha, or when my grandma told me in my kitchen how I have great boobs and how they're so good because of how high they are placed on my body. Growing older is so weird. I need a manual on how to deal.

In my American Lit class today we were discussing Emerson's "Self Reliance" and the whole Transcendentalism idea of the individual. The whole discussion all I thought about is how in a way it can be applied to relationships. When you fall for someone, you fall for them as they are as an individual, but as the relationship progresses they change. They change as they become a part of you; as you influence them. Some changes are good, but somewhere along the road they might start to lose the pieces of themselves that you fell for in the first place. I always hear people say, "You can't change someone", which is true but the truth is you are going to change them without even trying. So how do relationships move forward after the point when you realize the person you fell for has become someone else? What I'm learning is that you need to let go of each other and remember who you are as an individual. You have to remember who you are as a part of your friends, your family, your school, your job, etc. I think afterwhile some people start to see themselves as a girlfriend/boyfriend. To be able to be in a good relationship, you have to maintain who you are as an individual. You can't forget who you are without the other person.
( so long to figure out )

Today I am NINETEEN. I'll let you know how this next year of life goes.

When you get broken up with, people act strange around you. Weird people at work get the idea in their head that this is an okay time to hug you. Your mom wakes you up by getting in bed with you, "just to talk". Your friends buy you lunch. Your friends keep taking you out to eat, so much that you think you've gained 3 pounds in 2 days. Your manager offers to "do anything you need". Like what? A raise would be nice. If only professors meddled in your personal life and gave you an extra week to work on your paper or give your speech.

My third semester of CSUN begins in twenty days. I am mostly excited, even though my schedule did not pan out the way I originally intended. I am only going on Tuesday's and Thursday's, which is a bonus; four day weekends every weekend. I am taking:
American Literature, Speech (A hybrid online/classroom lecture and lab), Anthropology, Introduction to Computers, and Introduction to Statistics (online only-who volunteers to tutor me? And/Or is taking a stats class and volunteers to share notes?)
I already have obtained 39 units from the previous year, plus AP classes and Chemistry at Moorpark before I was a junior. After this semester I will have 54 units which will make me only 6 units away from becoming an upperclassmen.

I am still working at Hollister, even though I put in my two weeks like two months ago. I only have one or two shifts a week there, so I am not really complaining. Well maybe a little bit, I am not fond of having had SIXTEEN managers in the year and three months that I've been employed there or having older women curse at me for having the music too loud. I am also doing two nights a week at Athena & Co. I only make $8 an hour there ($8.20 at Hollister) but I also get 3% commission. I want to generate more business for myself, but that would require me to be less shy or know more people who need jewelry.

Chris and I have been together for 5 months as of July 24th. Our relationship is wonderful 99.9% of the time. Of course we have normal fights like every couple does. It is usually resolved quickly due to the fact that it's hard for us to stay mad at eachother. After our last fight I left a letter to him on his car telling him what he did that had upset me and he ended up responding in a letter that he in turn left on my car. I am nervous about the future, not the future like whether we are going to get married/stay together, but what he has in plan for the school year. He does not like to talk about things like that, which drives me crazy sometimes. I just want to be able to plan; is that too much to ask? Too psycho girlfriend? Tomorrow I am going to try to get him to talk to me about what he is going to do. I am happy with how things are going, I just want to make sure I won't have to deal with any surprises. Like SURPRISE, I am transferring miles away. You know?

I want a black wool pea coat for this fall and winter.

For the first time in eight years, I run into the boy I had the biggest crush on in sixth grade. A mutual friend asks if we remember each other and I instantly answer yes. His response is a polite, “you look familiar…” when in actuality, my face is one of a complete stranger. He doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, but his lack of eye contact gives it away. Talking with him after our awkward re-introduction makes me feel like the sixth grade girl who didn’t shave her legs yet, wax her eyebrows, had a body shape similar to a piece of plywood, and the girl who didn’t get the attention of any of the boys she lusted after. It’s not that he says anything to offend me or that I am that girl, it’s just the fact that he doesn’t even recognize my name or face. He dated half of my friends and talked to me on a number of occasions to get to one of my friends who went through puberty before I did. It’s easy to notice that a good looking sixth grader has transformed into an even better looking college student, but you hate that ugly duckling feeling he gives me. Chris makes me feel beautiful, as cheesy and forced as that sounds. He looks at me in this way that makes every flaw seem like a perfect piece to the puzzle. When he says I’m beautiful, I don’t instantly start to complain about the mascara flakes around my eyes, my split ends, how bloated I feel or the fresh pink scars forming on both knees from being thrown into the pool. When he says it or gives me that loving look, I don’t feel like an awkward eleven year old girl. That has to be the definition of love; seeing yourself the way your loved one sees you. I know I’m much too lazy, don’t keep up with old friends as well as I should, keep my room or car clean, dedicate way too much time to complaining about things I could easily change, and spend too much money; but I am very happy. I am very happy because seeing a silly crush from so many years ago just reminds me of how lucky I really am.

As usual, Chris has blown me away. On Thursday when we went out to dinner, he gave me a little note that he had written me and while I read it he took out a white & gold box that I recognized from Athena & Co. (my new employment/2nd job). Inside was a necklace that I was lusting after, it is 3 hearts, the top one made of 3 little diamonds and the other two dangle and are composed of 3 little rubies. My own heart of the ocean. :]
I have never been more spoiled. Or happy. My only complaint is that working two jobs and trying to make time for socializing gives me less time with Chris.